hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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