made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
