4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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