I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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