last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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