New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
