All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
