sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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