i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
