just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
