I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
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I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
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Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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