just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
