The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
