i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
