So drunk its hurt
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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