my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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