also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
