I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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