If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
