can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Also, beer. Big fan.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
