Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
