I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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