remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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