Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
