i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
