Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
