god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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