I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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