You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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