Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I have already put on my inside pants.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
