I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You can't motorboat a personality
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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