Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
