i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
