you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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