I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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