My hand turned me down
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Randomize
