no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
