I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
