summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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