So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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