Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
