I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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