dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
