"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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