so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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