need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
