the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
