all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
