i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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