Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit