I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
