if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
